Dear Reader,
Divorce or separation is never easy, especially when kids are involved. When families split, it’s not just about dividing up assets or deciding who gets the couch. One of the biggest challenges is figuring out how to help the kids feel secure, loved, and stable in two different homes.
If you're a parent trying to make the best out of a tough situation, you’re not alone. Plenty of families go through this and come out stronger. The key is in how you manage the transition and how you help your child adjust to having two homes. It’s totally possible to create a strong sense of belonging in both places even if the rules, furniture, and smells aren’t exactly the same. Let’s walk through it together.
Step One: Focus on Emotional Safety First
Before you even think about color schemes or chore charts, you’ve got to make sure your child feels emotionally safe in both homes. That means showing them, over and over again, that both parents love them deeply and that it’s okay to have strong feelings about what’s happening.
You don’t need to say it perfectly. Just be there. Let them vent. Let them cry. Let them ask hard questions. Be open and honest without going into details that aren't age-appropriate. Avoid blaming the other parent in front of your child that only causes confusion and loyalty conflicts.
Kids don’t need a perfect script. They need your presence, your hugs, and the assurance that they haven’t lost their family, just the shape of it.
Two Homes, One Routine
Routine is a child’s best friend. When everything else feels out of control, a predictable routine can be grounding. Try to align key routines between both households, like bedtime, homework time, screen rules, and meals.
This doesn’t mean both houses have to operate like clones. It’s okay if one house does Friday night pizza and the other has Saturday pancakes. The goal isn’t perfection, it's predictability. If your child knows what to expect, they’ll feel more at ease.
Use a shared calendar or an app if needed to keep track of school events, playdates, and transitions. That way, your child isn’t caught in the middle of logistical confusion.
Let Them Have a Say
You want your child to feel like they belong in both homes, right? One of the simplest ways to do that is to let them personalize their space. Even if they don’t have their own room, give them a dedicated area that’s just for them.
Let them pick out a few decorations. Allow them to keep clothes, toys, or books at both homes. You don’t need to buy two of everything, but having familiar items around can make both places feel more like home.
Ask for their input on routines too. Maybe they want to help plan meals or decide how to spend their weekends. Giving them a voice helps them feel valued.
Communicate, Even When It’s Tough
Co-parenting doesn’t mean you have to be best friends with your ex. But it does mean you’ll have to talk, and more importantly, listen. Keep communication respectful and focused on your child’s needs.
If face-to-face or phone calls feel too tense, stick with emails or texts. There are even co-parenting apps that help keep everything organized and civil. The less tension your child senses between their parents, the more peaceful they’ll feel in both homes.
Avoid using your child as a messenger. That puts way too much pressure on them. Keep the adult conversations between adults.
Normalize the New Normal
It’s okay to acknowledge that this is hard. It’s okay for your child to miss the way things used to be. Don’t brush that off. Let them grieve. But also help them find the joy in their new setup.
Maybe each house offers something special. One might be closer to their school or favorite park. The other might mean they get more one-on-one time with Mom or Dad.
You can even create fun traditions that are unique to each household. Think Tuesday game nights at one house and weekend movie marathons at the other. These small rituals go a long way in helping your child feel grounded.
Don’t Compete — Collaborate
One of the biggest traps co-parents fall into is trying to be the "favorite" house. You know the one with the lenient rules, unlimited snacks, and bedtime that stretches into the next morning.
This might win some short-term smiles, but long-term, it doesn’t help your child. Kids need consistency and boundaries, not confusion about who’s in charge.
Instead of trying to one-up each other, collaborate. Talk about your parenting goals and what you want your child to learn, kindness, responsibility, honesty. Then, find ways to reinforce those values in both homes.
Encourage Open Conversations
Make it clear to your child that they can talk to you about anything even about the other house. Resist the urge to get defensive or turn the conversation into an interrogation.
If they say they miss the other parent, don’t take it personally. That’s not a sign that you’re failing, it's a sign that they love both of you, which is a beautiful thing.
Let them express what’s working and what isn’t. If something needs adjusting, listen with empathy. You don’t have to fix everything right away. Sometimes, just being heard is enough.
Build Consistent Support Systems
In times of change, kids rely on stable relationships. That might mean extended family, neighbors, friends, teachers, or coaches. Try to keep those connections steady, regardless of which parent they’re with.
Let teachers and caregivers know what’s going on at home. They can be valuable allies in helping your child adjust.
Encourage friendships that span both households too. If they have a best friend in one neighborhood, figure out ways they can see them when they’re staying at the other house.
Watch for Red Flags
Most kids adapt with time, especially when parents are tuned in and supportive. But keep an eye out for signs that your child might be struggling more than they’re letting on.
Some things to watch for:
- Sudden changes in behavior
- Trouble sleeping
- Declining grades
- Withdrawal from friends
- Physical symptoms like headaches or stomachaches with no clear cause
If you notice these signs, don’t wait. Talk to a counselor, therapist, or pediatrician. There’s no shame in asking for help, and early support can make a huge difference.
Give Yourself Grace
This is hard work. It's really hard. There will be days when you doubt yourself. Days when the schedule is a mess or your child lashes out and says they hate this new arrangement. That doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re human.
You’re doing something incredibly important helping your child build a stable, loving life in a world that no longer fits the “traditional” mold. That’s no small feat.
So take breaks. Lean on friends. Celebrate the small wins. Your effort matters more than you know.
When Both Houses Feel Like ‘Home’
Here’s the thing. A home isn’t just four walls and a roof. It’s where your child feels safe. Seen. Loved. It’s where they can be themselves without fear.
You can create that feeling in more than one place. It takes time and intention, but it’s absolutely possible.
Sure, there might be hiccups along the way. That’s part of the journey. But with your support, your child can learn that home isn’t about geography. It’s about connection.
Even things like choosing a favorite blanket, having the same bedtime story in both homes, or keeping a shared journal can help bridge the gap. Let your child carry the warmth of home with them, no matter where they sleep that night.
A Quick Real-Life Example
A friend of mine has two kids who split time evenly between their parents' houses. At first, the back-and-forth was tough. The kids forgot their homework, missed their soccer cleats, and cried during drop-offs.
But over time, both parents found their rhythm. They kept open lines of communication, involved the kids in decisions, and created special traditions in each home.
Now? The kids thrive. They talk about both houses with excitement. They feel loved and supported no matter where they are. One even says she has “double the love” which might be the sweetest way to sum it all up.
One Final Thing
Oh, and don’t forget the little stuff. Keeping each home clean, organized, and comfortable really does matter. A cozy home creates a calming vibe that helps kids relax.
Even something like taking care of the air quality can make a difference. For example, a friend in Utah recently hired a service for air duct cleaning Brigham to make sure her kids’ environment was fresh and healthy in both houses. It’s the kind of small gesture that can have a big impact on how your child feels when they walk in the door.
You’ve Got This
Creating a “home” in two households takes heart, effort, and a whole lot of patience. But you don’t have to get it perfect. You just have to keep showing up.
If your child knows that they’re deeply loved, heard, and supported no matter which address they’re at they’ll grow up feeling secure, confident, and capable.
Now I’d Like to Hear From You!
What does shared parenting mean to you? Have you or someone you know experienced the difference it can make?
Feel free to reply to this email—I’d love to hear your stories and share your voice with our growing community.
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Thank you so much for being part of this journey. Your support, whether through reading, sharing, or contributing, means the world to me. Together, we’re building something meaningful that I hope will create lasting, positive change. I’m grateful to have you along for the ride!
Thank you for being part of the Hope 4 Families community. Wishing you love, understanding, and meaningful connections!
Be Blessed,
Danica Joan Dockery, M.Ed.
Executive Director, Kids Need Both, Inc.
