Dear Reader,
Hey there, friend. If you’re reading this, you’re probably going through one of the most emotionally draining and nerve-wracking things a parent can face in a custody battle. First, let me say this: I’m sorry you’re here, but I’m glad you’re taking the time to prepare yourself. That already says something powerful you care. And that’s a great start.
I’ve worked with tons of parents as a family law coach, and while every situation is unique, there are definitely some game-changing tips that apply across the board. So let’s have a heart-to-heart. I’ll walk you through what I’ve seen work, what mistakes to avoid, and how to stay grounded when things get messy.
This isn’t about tearing the other parent down, it's about showing up as the best version of yourself and putting your child’s needs front and center. Let’s get into it.
1. Understand the Basics of Custody
Before we dive into strategy, let’s make sure we’re on the same page about what custody actually means. There are two main types:
- Legal custody – The right to make important decisions about your child’s life (education, healthcare, religion, etc.)
- Physical custody – Who your child lives with and when.
Custody can be:
- Sole – One parent has all or most of the rights.
- Joint – Both parents share rights and responsibilities.
Some battles are over legal custody, some are over physical custody, and some are over both. Knowing exactly what you’re fighting for is the first step to making smart choices.
2. Document Everything
Seriously. You’ll thank yourself later.
Start keeping a custody journal. Write down every exchange, every missed visit, every school meeting, every time you take your child to the doctor. Record dates, times, screenshots of texts, and emails. Keep it all, don't delete anything.
Judges want facts, not drama. So when emotions are high and accusations start flying, your solid, organized documentation can speak volumes.
And if the other parent tries to make you look bad? Boom you’ve got receipts. Just don’t exaggerate. Stick to facts, be honest, and stay consistent.
3. Know That Courts Look Out for the Child, Not the Parent
This one’s a mindset shift.
The family court system isn’t there to make you feel good, punish your ex, or confirm that you’re the “better” parent. The judge cares about what’s best for the child, not who’s more likable or who has the fancier lawyer.
Ask yourself this:
“What does my child need right now-and how can I provide that in a stable, loving way?”
If you keep that question at the center of everything you do, you’ll come across as focused, grounded, and genuinely child-centered. That’s the energy that wins custody battles.
4. Stay Calm and Stay Off Social Media
Easier said than done, right? But seriously, this tip is HUGE.
When you’re in the middle of a battle, you might want to vent online or post a passive-aggressive meme about your ex. Don’t. Just… don’t.
Social media posts can be used as evidence in court. Judges do not like seeing angry rants or late-night photos from a party when you were supposed to have the kids. Even if it feels harmless it can come back to bite you.
And beyond the courtroom, your child might see these posts someday. That alone is reason enough to keep it classy.
5. Get a Great Family Law Attorney (Or a Coach)
Look, not everyone can afford a high-powered lawyer, and that’s okay. But having someone in your corner who understands family law is a game-changer.
If a lawyer isn’t in your budget, a family law coach (like me!) can help you prepare paperwork, stay emotionally grounded, and guide you through strategy without the insane legal fees.
You don’t have to go it alone. Just make sure the person you trust knows what they’re doing and keeps your child’s best interest front and center.
6. Be Willing to Co-Parent (Even If Your Ex is the Worst)
Now I know this one might sting. You may be thinking, “You don’t know what they put me through!” And you’re right I don’t. But I do know what judges see as red flags.
If you come off as unwilling to cooperate, you could look like the problem, even if your ex is a total nightmare.
The key is to offer reasonable co-parenting solutions, show flexibility when possible, and document your efforts to work together. If your ex refuses to cooperate, the court will see that. But if you’re the one refusing? That could hurt your case.
You don’t have to be best friends. But showing that you’re willing to communicate for your child’s sake speaks volumes.
7. Keep the Kids Out of It
Whatever you do, don’t put your child in the middle.
Don’t ask them to spy. Don’t badmouth your ex in front of them. Don’t make them choose sides.
Kids are not tools. They’re human beings who love both of their parents even if one of you has seriously messed up. When you protect their innocence and peace of mind, it makes you look incredibly strong and mature.
Judges notice when parents are emotionally manipulating their children and they don’t take kindly to it.
8. Show Stability in Your Life
The court wants to place your child in a home that’s safe, predictable, and stable.
That means:
- Having a regular work schedule
- Providing reliable housing
- Keeping your child’s school and routines consistent
- Maintaining a healthy, safe home environment
This is also where something random (yet important) like air duct cleaning Ogden might come up because yes, judges have seen it all. If your home is spotless, child-proofed, and you’ve taken even extra steps for your child’s health, it sends the message that you’re serious about providing a safe environment.
Don’t go overboard with home upgrades. Just make sure everything’s clean, secure, and child-friendly.
9. Be Honest—Even When It Hurts
If you’ve made mistakes in the past (like a DUI, job loss, or missed visit), don’t try to hide it. Courts appreciate honesty more than perfection.
Explain what happened and, more importantly, what you’ve done to make it right. Took parenting classes? Got therapy? Found stable work? All of that shows growth and accountability.
Trying to cover things up or paint your life as picture-perfect when it’s not? That’s a fast way to lose credibility.
10. Don’t Rely on Just Words—Show Proof
You say you’re a great parent. Awesome. Now show it.
- Bring copies of school reports showing involvement
- Show calendars of your time with your child
- Provide receipts for healthcare, activities, school supplies
- Print out positive communication with your ex
Judges are used to hearing, “I’m the better parent.” What really moves the needle is evidence. Cold, hard, organized proof.
Create a binder or a digital folder. Label everything clearly. When the time comes, you’ll walk in looking calm, collected, and ready.
11. Prepare for Court Like It’s a Job Interview
Yes, your lawyer (or coach) will help, but YOU are the one the judge is watching. So make a strong impression.
- Dress neatly and modestly
- Be polite and respectful to everyone, including your ex
- Don’t interrupt anyone, even when you’re boiling inside
- Speak clearly, and stay on-topic
And don’t ever bring your child into the courtroom unless absolutely necessary. It’s traumatic for them and rarely helpful to your case.
12. Don’t Fall Into the Trap of “Winning”
This might sound weird in an article about “how to win,” but hear me out.
Winning doesn’t always mean full custody or “beating” your ex in court. True winning is setting your child up for a stable, peaceful, and loving life even if that means sharing custody.
If you can create a parenting plan that works without endless conflict, that’s a huge win. And if you can walk away from this process knowing you showed up with love, calm, and courage? That’s powerful.
You’re playing the long game. Your child will remember how you handled this.
13. Know the Red Flags That Can Ruin Your Case
Want to know what can absolutely tank a custody case?
- Alienating your child from the other parent
- Withholding visitation
- Violating court orders
- Explosive behavior (yelling, threats, public meltdowns)
- Drug or alcohol abuse
- New partners who are unsafe around your child
Even one incident can shift a judge’s opinion. So keep your cool, follow all agreements, and avoid anything that can be used against you.
14. Take Care of Yourself
Look, this is hard. You’re probably exhausted, stressed, and feeling like no one really sees what you’re going through.
So let me say it: You’re doing better than you think.
This process is brutal. And the best thing you can do for your child and yourself is to stay grounded.
- Get therapy or join a support group
- Eat well and move your body
- Sleep when you can
- Keep a few people around who lift you up
Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish. It’s survival. And it helps you be the steady, loving parent your child needs right now.
Final Thoughts (But Not a Boring Conclusion)
So yeah, there’s no magic button to win a custody battle. It’s about showing up again and again as the parent your child needs.
It’s about calm over chaos, facts over feelings, and growth over grudges.
Keep your eye on what really matters: your child’s well-being, their sense of safety, and the loving bond you’re building every single day.
Now I’d Like to Hear From You!
What does shared parenting mean to you? Have you or someone you know experienced the difference it can make?
Feel free to reply to this email—I’d love to hear your stories and share your voice with our growing community.
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Thank you for being part of the Hope 4 Families community. Wishing you love, understanding, and meaningful connections!
Be Blessed,
Danica Joan Dockery, M.Ed.
Executive Director, Kids Need Both, Inc.
