From Helper to Whole: How I Stopped Fixing Men and Started Choosing Myself
Dear Reader,
There was a time when I believed love looked like self-sacrifice.
If his house was a mess, I cleaned it top to bottom.
If he had unresolved custody battles, I became the strategist and emotional support.
If he needed help launching a business, I was suddenly his loyal assistant, building the vision right alongside him.
I poured myself into men who had gaps—and I made those gaps my purpose.
Because when someone needed me, I felt worthy.
And when they no longer did, I felt discarded.
After two marriages and two divorces, I began to notice the pattern. It wasn’t just bad luck. It was something deeper. Something I couldn’t yet name—but that was silently running the show.
The Addiction to Being Needed
Looking back, I realize I was operating from a hidden blueprint: If I’m helpful enough, if I prove my loyalty, if I solve enough problems... then I’ll be loved.
It wasn’t conscious.
It was chemical. Familiar. Addictive.
I didn’t look for stability or emotional availability. I looked for men who needed rescuing—and I called it love.
Truthfully, I was trying to outsource my self-worth through being indispensable.
The Church's Role in Shaping the Sacrificial Woman
The truth is, I didn’t arrive at that pattern on my own.
Much of it was taught to me—not with bad intentions, but with deeply flawed ideas. Ideas that were planted in me through Southern Baptist youth groups and well-meaning Sunday school teachers.
I was told that a good Christian woman is selfless. That her worth is found in submission. That Godly wives "deny themselves," serve others first, and sacrifice personal desires for the greater good of the family.
What no one taught me was where the line is between love and codependence. Between service and self-neglect.
And so, I internalized the message that my needs, my dreams, even my feelings were secondary at best—sinful at worst.
I felt shame for having boundaries. Guilt for speaking up. And I buried the voice of the little girl inside me who was quietly pleading, "What about me?"
That silence became sabotage. Because without standing up for her—without learning to love and protect her—no relationship could ever be healthy. Not really.
I could have chosen to suffer in silence. Many do. But the cost of doing so wouldn’t just be mine to bear. It would ripple outward.
It would mark my children.
And that was unacceptable.
Once I became aware of the pattern, I knew I couldn’t pass it down. I had to do something different—not just for me, but for them. So they wouldn’t grow up thinking love meant invisibility.
Choosing Differently: The Love That Came After
Today, I’m married to someone I didn’t rescue.
I didn’t audition for him. I didn’t solve his chaos.
I chose him with clarity, not chemistry alone.
There was something radically different in how we connected.
No push. No proving. No rescuing.
Just presence. Maturity. Mutual choice.
And here’s the distinction I now share with others:
Stop Looking for Love — Start Hiring for the Role
Imagine you were filling the most important job of your life.
Would you go to a bar, drink too much, and hand the role to the most attractive applicant who smiled at you?
Of course not.
You’d write a detailed job description.
You’d define the necessary skills, values, emotional strengths, and communication style.
You’d know your must-haves and your dealbreakers.
And when someone applied for the role, you’d vet them.
If they didn’t align, you wouldn’t try to mold them into the position. You’d simply pass.
But in personal relationships? We often do the exact opposite.
We get hormonally attached and emotionally invested before vetting the person—and then we scramble to retrofit them into our ideal.
It’s a recipe for heartbreak.
Getting the Hire Wrong in Love vs. Work
Let’s take the metaphor further.
Imagine you’re hiring a new employee. If you get it wrong, you could experience:
- Missed deadlines
- Wasted time and money
- Office drama
- Maybe even some legal issues
Annoying? Yes. But recoverable.
Now compare that to choosing the wrong life partner:
- Years of emotional pain
- Financial entanglements
- Potential trauma for children
- Lost confidence, health, and dreams
Yet most people put more effort into vetting a new employee than they do choosing a spouse.
We don’t just let unqualified candidates run our businesses. Why let them run our lives?
Write the Job Description Before the Chemistry
This isn’t about making love cold or transactional.
It’s about making it intentional.
When you start from clarity, not craving, you:
- Stop over-functioning to feel worthy
- Stop making excuses for red flags
- Stop romanticizing dysfunction
Instead, you choose someone who meets you with mutual emotional capacity, respect, and vision.
And that’s not boring. It’s liberating.
Wholeness Is the Real Love Language
The relationship I always longed for wasn’t found in saving others.
It was born in saving myself.
When I learned to protect my inner child—to listen to her, honor her, and validate her—I stopped abandoning myself for love.
And that’s when love found me.
Whole. Ready. Free.
_______________________
If you would like a copy of my Relationship Job Description, please let me know!
Peace & Harmony,
Danica Joan Dockery, M.Ed
Mediator/Author/Co-Parenting Educator
