Dear Reader,
Talking to your kids about custody arrangements isn’t exactly anyone’s idea of a good time. It's emotional, delicate, and let's be real pretty tricky to navigate. Whether you're just starting the process or you're already knee-deep in co-parenting logistics, one of the toughest parts is figuring out how to talk to your kids about what’s going on.
You want to be honest but not overwhelming. You want to reassure them but not sugarcoat the truth. And you definitely don’t want to throw your ex under the bus even if you're feeling hurt or frustrated.
So how do you walk this fine line? Let’s talk about it. Here’s a guide to the do’s and don’ts of talking to kids about custody arrangements, straightforward, real, and hopefully a little comforting too.
Do: Prepare Before You Talk
Before you even open your mouth, take a moment. This isn’t a conversation you want to wing. It’s worth taking some time to think about what you want to say, how you want to say it, and what your kids might ask.
Think about:
- Your child’s age and developmental level
- What parts of the arrangement are confirmed and what’s still undecided
- How your child tends to react to change or stressful news
If you’re working with a therapist or mediator, talk to them ahead of time. They can help you frame things in a way that’s age-appropriate and emotionally supportive.
Don’t: Dump Everything at Once
This is not a one-time info session. Your child doesn’t need to (and probably can’t) absorb everything about the custody plan in one go. Start with the basics of what's going to happen this week, or next and leave room for future conversations.
If they’re older and want more details, let them guide the questions. For younger kids, keep it simple and clear. You might say something like:
“Mom and Dad are going to live in different houses, and you’ll spend time with both of us. You’ll still go to the same school, and your friends will stay the same too.”
Remember: this is a marathon, not a sprint.
Do: Emphasize What Stays the Same
Change can be super scary for kids. One of the best ways to help them feel secure is to highlight what isn’t changing.
Do they still get pancakes on Saturdays? Will bedtime stories still be a thing? Can they still play soccer with their friends?
The more consistency you can provide, the more grounded your child will feel. Kids need to know that their world isn’t being completely turned upside down.
Don’t: Make Promises You Can’t Keep
This one's a biggie.
Sometimes, in our effort to reassure our kids, we say things that aren't entirely true or that we hope will happen but aren’t guaranteed.
Don’t say things like:
- “This will all go back to normal soon.”
- “You’ll never have to spend the night at Dad’s if you don’t want to.”
- “We’ll probably move back in together one day.”
Even if you want those things to be true, it's not fair to your child to set false expectations. They need clarity, not confusion.
Do: Keep It Neutral (Even If It’s Hard)
Custody conversations are not the time to unload your feelings about your ex. You might be angry. Hurt. Frustrated beyond belief. And that's valid. But your kids are not your sounding board.
Keep the language neutral and respectful. You can say:
- “Mom and I both love you so much, and we’re working together to make sure you’re happy.”
- “Dad and I want to make sure you have time with both of us.”
Avoid:
- “If your dad wasn’t so selfish, none of this would be happening.”
- “Your mom’s making this way harder than it needs to be.”
Even if you feel those things 100%, your kids shouldn’t have to carry them.
Don’t: Blame or Guilt-Trip
Kids are sponges. They pick up on your tone, your facial expressions, and your energy even when you think you’re hiding it well.
If you say something like:
“Well, you could stay with me this weekend, but your mom wants you to be with her,”
That’s a guilt trip, even if it’s subtle. It teaches your child that loving one parent might hurt the other and that’s not a burden any child should bear.
Let your child feel free to love both of you, without strings attached.
Do: Validate Their Feelings
Your kid might feel sad, confused, angry, relieved, or some combo of all of the above. That’s totally normal. Don’t try to shut those feelings down or rush to “fix” them.
Say things like:
- “I know this is hard. It’s okay to feel upset.”
- “It makes sense that you’re confused. This is a big change.”
Sometimes just sitting with them and listening is the most powerful thing you can do.
Don’t: Turn Your Child Into the Messenger
This one happens more often than people realize, and it's not good.
Don’t say things like:
- “Can you tell your dad I need him to drop you off early on Monday?”
- “Ask your mom if she paid for school pictures.”
It puts your kid in the middle, which creates stress and confusion. Communicate directly with your co-parent, even if it’s awkward. That’s your responsibility not your child’s.
Do: Revisit the Conversation Regularly
Talking about custody isn't a one-and-done situation. As your child grows and the arrangement shifts, they’ll need updates, reassurance, and space to ask questions.
Check in with them regularly:
- “How are things feeling with the schedule lately?”
- “Is there anything you want to talk about when it comes to how we’re doing things?”
This shows them that their voice matters and that you’re open to hearing it.
Don’t: Ignore the Role of Professionals
Sometimes, outside help can make a world of difference. Therapists (especially child psychologists) can help kids process their feelings in a safe space.
And if custody is contentious, mediators, family counselors, or even court-appointed specialists can provide clarity and structure that takes some pressure off you.
You’re not alone in this. You don’t have to figure it all out yourself.
Do: Model Flexibility and Patience
Custody schedules are plans not set-in-stone promises. Life happens. Schedules shift. Kids get sick. Parents get stuck in traffic.
When changes come up, use it as a teaching moment. Show your child how to be flexible and resilient.
You could say:
“I know we were going to your dad’s today, but he has a work emergency. You’ll go tomorrow instead. Sometimes we have to adjust, but you’ll still see him.”
The way you handle changes teaches your child how to roll with the punches in life too.
Don’t: Make Your Child Choose Sides
Even if the court or the custody schedule gives your child some say especially with older kids don’t push them to “pick” you. That’s a heartbreaking position to be in.
Let them express preferences and concerns, sure. But make it crystal clear that both parents love them, and they don’t have to “choose” one over the other.
No child should ever feel like they’re betraying a parent by enjoying time with the other.
Do: Keep Lines of Communication Open
Sometimes kids don’t ask questions right away. They might need time to process. Make it clear that they can come to you anytime, with anything on their mind.
Say things like:
- “If you ever feel confused or want to talk more, I’m here.”
- “You don’t have to hide your feelings from me.”
And mean it. When they do open up, give them your full attention. No judgment. No defensiveness.
Don’t: Forget About the Little Stuff
It's easy to get caught up in the big logistics of custody-holidays, weekends, school pickup. But the little things matter just as much.
Things like:
- Keeping both homes stocked with their favorite snacks
- Making sure their bedtime routines feel familiar
- Remembering their friend’s birthday party even if it’s not “your weekend”
These small gestures say, “I’m still your parent. I still see you. I’m still showing up.”
Do: Take Care of Yourself Too
This one might sound a little out of left field, but it matters.
Kids notice when you’re overwhelmed, exhausted, or not coping well. Taking care of your mental health helps you show up as the best version of yourself-which your kids need more than ever.
Go for a walk. Vent to a friend (not your child). Read. Journal. Meditate. Even take care of practical stuff like home maintenance like finally getting around to that air duct cleaning Orem recommended. Your peace of mind matters.
You can’t pour from an empty cup. Give yourself grace.
Wrapping It Up (But Not Like an Essay, Promise)
Custody isn’t easy. Talking about it with your kids? Even harder. But it’s also one of those things that, when done with love and care, can actually strengthen your bond.
Your kid doesn’t need perfection, they need presence, patience, and honesty. And maybe a little extra ice cream now and then.
Just keep showing up. Keep the conversation going. And know that with time, love, and lots of listening, you and your child can navigate this new chapter together.
Now I’d Like to Hear From You!
What does shared parenting mean to you? Have you or someone you know experienced the difference it can make?
Feel free to reply to this email—I’d love to hear your stories and share your voice with our growing community.
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Thank you for being part of the Hope 4 Families community. Wishing you love, understanding, and meaningful connections!
Be Blessed,
Danica Joan Dockery, M.Ed.
Executive Director, Kids Need Both, Inc.
