Dear Reader,
You’re at a restaurant. You ask your child what they’d like to eat—and they freeze. No response. Just silence.
What seems like hesitation or defiance may actually point to something deeper: a child caught in an emotional tug-of-war between their parents. Especially in high-conflict custody situations, a child's behavior often reflects intense inner conflict—not willful disobedience.
✍️ Note: I describe a scenario where the child is aligned with their mother and is visiting their father. However, the roles can occur in reverse or between same-gender parents. These dynamics are about emotional behavior, not gender.
🌪️ Emotional Shutdown: When Simple Choices Feel Unsafe
What We See:
The child won’t say what they want to eat or engage in casual conversation.
What May Be Happening:
- Fear of disloyalty: The child may worry that enjoying something with one parent will be “used against them” by the other.
- Hypervigilance: They scan every interaction for possible emotional consequences.
- Loss of autonomy: Over time, they've learned to suppress their own preferences to avoid upsetting the aligned parent.
As a result, even harmless questions feel threatening. The silence is protective.
💔 Reporting Behavior: When Kids Feel Responsible for a Parent's Emotions
What We See:
The child calls or texts the aligned parent every day during their visit.
What May Be Happening:
- Parentification: The child feels responsible for monitoring and managing the emotional state of the aligned parent.
- Emotional dependence: Checking in becomes a ritual that reinforces their role as the “emotional caretaker.”
- Guilt and anxiety: Failing to report may bring shame, punishment, or emotional withdrawal from the aligned parent.
This isn't a sign of closeness—it’s a signal of blurred emotional boundaries.
🧠 Triangulation: When Children Are Used to Deliver Messages
What We See:
The aligned parent uses the child’s updates to criticize or undermine the other household.
What May Be Happening:
- Cognitive dissonance: The child is experiencing one reality, while being told to report another.
- Manipulated loyalty: They are taught to distrust or devalue the targeted parent.
- Emotional exhaustion: Living in this dual reality causes long-term damage to a child’s self-esteem and mental health.
🔍 Signs to Look For Beyond the Obvious
In addition to the above patterns, other behaviors may surface:
- Over-explaining or obsessively referencing the aligned parent’s preferences
- Inconsistent emotional tone (flat, then suddenly reactive)
- Avoiding hugs or connection with stepfamily
- Acting out or testing boundaries, possibly hoping the other parent will “fail”
All of these are signs of a deeper emotional conflict—not a difficult personality.
🛠️ What This Behavior Really Means
Beneath the surface, this behavior suggests a child who is:
- Emotionally fused with one parent
- Unable to safely individuate or form their own opinions
- Living in fear of emotional punishment for being authentic
This isn’t stubbornness. It’s survival.
✅ How the Targeted Parent and Stepparent Can Help
1. Create a Safe, Low-Pressure Environment
Rather than pressuring the child to speak or choose, offer gentle structure:
“Would you like the chicken or the burger?”
“No rush—we’re just happy to be with you.”
This models emotional safety and permission to relax.
2. Acknowledge the Loyalty Bind—Without Blaming
Statements like these build trust:
“It seems like you care a lot about keeping everyone happy.”
“That’s a lot to carry. Just know, when you’re here, you don’t have to worry about that.”
This approach validates without villainizing the other parent.
3. Reduce the “Spy Loop” with Compassion
Let the child know:
“It’s okay to check in with your other parent, but your time here is just for you.”
“You don’t have to report everything. Your memories here are yours.”
Meanwhile, the targeted parent may want to set a healthy communication boundary with the aligned parent—such as one check-in per day.
4. Don’t Personalize the Child’s Withdrawal
Even if they act cold or disinterested:
- Stay consistent
- Don’t withdraw or punish
- Offer kindness without expectations
Over time, these behaviors create emotional safety the child will remember.
5. Document What You See
Keep track of:
- Behavior changes before and after communication with the aligned parent
- Patterns of avoidance, fear, or emotional shutdown
- Any escalations or inappropriate messages received from the other parent
This record may help if legal support is needed later.
6. Get Support—for the Child and Yourselves
- A therapist trained in high-conflict custody or parental alienation can help your child separate their identity from the conflict.
- Coaching or therapy for the targeted parent and stepparent can help reduce reactivity and burnout.
7. Focus on Joy and Play
Even if affection is hard for the child to show, keep nurturing moments of connection:
- Create rituals like “Sunday waffles” or movie night
- Invite laughter and spontaneity
- Celebrate small moments without expectations
These moments may seem small—but they build trust that lasts.
💬 Final Thought
When a child appears shut down or withdrawn during visits, it’s not just a phase or personality quirk. It may be the result of emotional conditioning, manipulation, or unresolved trauma.
As the safe parent or stepparent, your consistency, patience, and presence matter more than you know. Even when the child can’t express it now, you are planting seeds of safety that will grow when the time is right.
Be Blessed,
Danica Joan Dockery, M.Ed.
Executive Director, Kids Need Both, Inc.
Now I’d Like to Hear From You!
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